Catching up

I haven't blogged here in three years. I always assume nothing even happens in my life, unless I actually take stock this way. Though to be honest, not much has changed at a fundamental level.

I'm in the same job as before, and complain about it just as much. I keep having epiphanies about how I can completely change things (including my attitude) but it comes and goes. I'm still overweight, and constantly struggling with it. And my phone conversations with my mom are still of the yes-no-don't ask me so many questions variety.

This is all happening in a different city though - Bangalore - where I have been living since December 2021. I got married in November of that year, to the man I was bellyaching about in the drafts of this blog. Then suddenly towards the end of 2020, I started feeling comfortable about the idea of marriage. I remember the exact moment actually. I had just started a diet and kept admirable restraint on myself all day, especially in the face of a tough work-day. At night, I had piled on a carefully prepared and assiduously measured meal of rice and chicken, and was just settling down into a video call with A, my partner in the then 'situationship'*, when I fully dropped my meal on the floor. And promptly burst into tears. 

I think the fact that he didn't laugh at me (I know I might have if the situation were reversed) suddenly made me feel that I could do marriage. I didn't admit it aloud immediately of course, and went back on it many times in my head. But I guess realizing that a moment is all it takes for things (including you) to change, can be weirdly empowering?

Anyway, I moved to Bangalore and hated the city with a lot of energy. Initially, I was completely working from home. Then these kids joined from a University here, so I started going to office more frequently. My colleagues are still kids though, so it's hard to be friends with them. I joined a writing workshop too which gave me structure to write, and an introduction to people I know, outside of work, who also don't know A. That is still not the same as friendship as all of us are never free at the same time, and more importantly, the safe space we had to talk about deep, dark things while we were still doing the workshop, is not available anymore. I miss that space.

This week I bought a car, another thing I didn't expect to happen. I am learning to drive, I would say,  more from a sense of competition than a genuine desire to take to the roads, despite the fact that I regularly have to bear the brunt of Bangalore's bad public transport and lack of cabs. Perhaps my reluctance is because of the fact that I also regularly bear the brunt of the terrible traffic situation here. Anyway this messy urbanisation has led me to believe that urban economics is my true calling. I'm watching some tutorial videos, let's see if that interest sustains.

Shruti and I have decided to start quizzing again. I'm not answering any questions yet, but we made and held one quiz which was a bit of a hit amongst the six of us. I'm hoping that continues. I am also working on a new story, though what I actually need is to rework some of my existing ones and send them off for publication. That would be a nice win, I think. [Ok will send at least one story today, SOMEWHERE].

I am also feeling something personally that I don't know how to articulate. Or probably don't want to articulate, for fear that it's incredibly childish. I think I am feeling used. In the sense, that I find people have a sense of entitlement towards my time and emotional and mental labour without me getting anything in return. I don't know if this feeling is fair, in the sense that I reflected on some of my own actions, and feel that I may have used (different) people too, without giving them much in return. So I guess what I am feeling is a mix of indignation at being used, and guilt at having used other people. 

Is this how life is? Do we all use each other?

*I did not know this word existed then. Google tells me it may refer to a sexual or romantic relationship that is not formally defined. I'm just choosing to assume that this holds for the arranged marriage - yes - no dynamic I was in.